I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
