i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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