I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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