Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
