I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
