Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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