he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
