apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
