Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
