my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
