You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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