sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
