i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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