Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
