I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
