remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
