so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
