I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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