Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
