he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
