She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
