today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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