I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
