man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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