I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
