god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
