Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
