hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
