im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
