I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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