Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize