Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
