dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
