its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
