508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
