Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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