GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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