took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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