plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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