I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
