the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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