Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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