She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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