I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
