Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
