so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
