Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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