Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
