so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
