I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
