I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
