I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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