My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Princesses don't give blow jobs
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
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