i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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