Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
