guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
