I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
