She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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