well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
