he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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